it's frustrating. I want to keep the distance, it gets closer instead. I feel uneasy. I think she knows exactly why I was putting the act. Can't she see it that I behave that way whenever the other person is around. How I wish she could see my pain. The pain that started since Shah Alam days. Yeah, I've done her wrong but hey this is too much to bear.
We have tonnes of things that make us distinct from one another. You and that person, you seem to have lotsa things in common. What now? Doesn't it seem just logical if I get down so easily? I feel left out. That's it. You're not mine, definitely and I never say you are. I'm not yours either. But to feel left behind, not being able to join the laughter, not being able to comprehend the jokes, not being able to be as funny, not being able to be as dependable. While you worship that person, it seems that we're oil and water. Just when things are about to dissolve, they suddenly become complicated again with uncalled invasion. I struggle to fit in. Do I really need to not be myself just to keep up with others? I seriously don't know. Both ways don't seem to do me any justice.
You seem happier when you're around that person and how can I complain bout that to you. All of a sudden, came this person bringing extremeties, something you don't experience throughout our friendship and she showers you with all the excitement, impresses you with her skills and abilities, claiming she knows you damn well. Yes, that makes me a second prize. It's like it doesn't even matter if I'm not around as long as that person is. The time that we put up the posters, and that is not the only time. Even when you talk, the use of pronouns and the way you address the listeners, it's like you're just talking to that person. Call me being super sensitive, blame my linguistic sensitivity, but doesn't that signal anything?
I'm not wise enough to describe that sucky feeling effectively. My language is so flat here. You see, I'm not even that good with wordplay either.
And above all, I despise myself for being such a pathetic being. I pity myself that I don't even have the courage to let this off my chest
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