self-lament

I looked at how my friends wore fabric shoes. Cool!! Converse was too mainstream. The ones bought on the street or blogs were much more appealing. Guys with white t painted with a few splashes of paint, fabric sneakers, fabric bag, worn out checkered shirt, swoon...
Now I see the students walk to class wearing fabric shoes. I like it a lot. Cool!!! My job doesn't allow me to wear such footwear, so I make my brother get something like those. I'm so much into cool, inexpensive stuffs. How I wish to go to Pipit, flea markets and such where uniqueness and creativity are overflowing. Awesomeness!

***********************

I was envious of them friends, coursemates, classmates, etc. How could they afford Zara, MNG, Roxy, Esprit and the likes? How could students wear Dorothy Perkins to class as if it's just some kind pasar malam outfits? Being able to splurge my study loan on a few pieces of Forever21 was big enough for me.
When everyone is in deep sleep, I turn on my laptop to browse the flashy things flashy people wear. I even calculate my saving, how much do I need to cut from my food to get a pre-loved Balenciaga. Cuz I saw someone carrying the original LV. I think I need to get something from the high end labels too. I want to look exquisite. Dabbing Clinique moisturiser and carrying Givenchy. Perfection.

***********************

These two things contradict each other. As much as I want to be an individual, seen as an individual, I'm still blinded by things that blindfold other lost people. As much as I want to value internal qualities, I still gravitate towards superficiality. I'm still lying to myself. I'm still indecisive as to which path is ME

Mentally adolescent

The child in me screams it's full of lies, filth. The adult in me comforts, "read, watch and think like a grown up." The adult's visit is comparable to the sun during winter.

It's a shame. I'm in denial, running away from it as not to create pain in my head, refusing to dig and sort and detangle. It's easier to just indulge in world full of colours, superficial beauty, passive readings, mindless music.

I've talked and argued. With skimpy pov, merely opinionated, backed up with insubstantial substance. That's the most politic-warrior act I've ever been

I thought that would be enough. I'm still tender, lets not spoil my life. Till I met those young minds.

She might look like another carefree urbanite yet she's capable of mouthing matured talks. She didn't have to, I didn't ask her but she wrote about her observation of the authority vs people's interest.

He has started early. Reading, thinking, talking politics and society when at such age, my world was filled with Britney and the likes.

They are a lot younger than me, they are students. I'm 26, I teach. And that's a slap that leaves sorely red marks

I'm just guarding myself

I value money
I feel pain
I sometimes face financial crises
I have tight budget
I just kick it aside so it won't top my list of concerns
so that i'd feel more grateful for other things not measured by notes and bills
so that my black heart becomes whiter

After all, I grew up wishing for a pair of jeans would miraculously appear in the laundry basket
My saving account bears pitiful number but hey my life is soooo much better than those days
So please, please don't erase that from my memory. I'm trying hard to make myself grateful for the blessings I get every day
Being a slave, trading parts of me that are still pure, betraying my belief for the sake of money in bulk
Please, I'm trying not to be those whom I've scoffed for their devotion to money

Ya Allah, Alhamdulillah...Your blessings are beyond description

In A Day

we rushed for not wanting others to wait
we rushed to find that others weren't ready
we went there with a bunch of others
we left our car depended on others who knew how to get there
we left our car it saved us some cash
we carpooled with many stops
we carpooled and numb our legs
we went with others and must go back with others
we went with others and the left ones at home must endure
we went back with others we heaved a sigh of relief
we went back with others it was not quick
we took the offer for a ride we wished we had a ride on our own
we took the offer for a ride we shall not complain.


***********************************

they came in turquoise their parents were gone
they came in n mum started to make me cry
they started singing but no one clapped, including me
they started singing and tears welled up my eyes
they took their food and enjoyed it
they took their food but it seemed like the chairs were not enough
they were shy with the camera flashes
they were shy but they started to smile
they saw the tablet and were curiously drawn
they saw the tablet but the boy didn't look pleased
they tried their fingers on it like a bunch of excited ants with a laid candy
they tried their fingers on it the boy's family laughed at them
they were lining up to leave they were just a bunch of kids
they were lining up to leave how tough it must've been for the guardians
they got their pictures taken using the same tablet they were laughed for
they got their pictures taken for charitable image maybe
they were leaving I regret I didn't have much to offer
they were leaving and I could only pray they would be well taken care of


**************************************

he looked friendly smiling and talking
he looked friendly if that was real
he is a father he pushed the girl
he is a father was she a nuisance to him?
I don't live his life I shan't speak of his moral before my eyes

***************************************

he seemed to have an important role
he was a relative of the other side perhaps
he was not once seen saying anything to anyone there
he couldn't be the relative, or could he?
he was busy moving here and there
he lay low, working backstage
he was committed to what he was doing
he gave no chance for empty buffet trays
he cleaned the table
he towered above us and set the garbage bag
he made me wonder if he had been doing these his whole life
he was not a worker there, that's certain
he clearly was just helping out
he had his own plate when the guests were done and started leaving
he sat there comfortably enjoying his full plate with his hands
now that's manly!

I'm Glad We Went to See Him

I didn't get to go to the southern part.

I didn't have new baju kurung.

I couldn't find the new bag that I need. Urgently.

I didn't get anything though the sale was extended.

I haven't taken my deposit back because the sugus-themed watch strap was no longer available.

I celebrated another eid single, despite the annual declaration to get hitched.

I didn't get replies.

I screwed another chance. I literally let that go wihtout a single serious attempt to make use of it.

I apologized and I started to hate.

I am still not done with what I've started.

I turned down invitations to meet up with old friends.

I somehow felt differently about some of those in my circle.

I didn't get anything done during the break and so I didn't keep a promise to myself.

But I got to see that old man and that has brought a lot of meaning to my Eid celebration.

That wise old guy is very much the same as I remembered him 14 years ago. Only much older.
And frail.

nothing beats these

"Thank you for teaching me, Miss"
"Halalkan ilmu yang Miss bagi kat sy"





...the bestEST thing from students

yui, azreenchan and other introverts in the world

As I grow, I value my true self more and more. I read and I get inspired. My world gets widened.
Despite the superficial relationships that modern people *including me* get themselves into, I learn that I'm not the only one and I don't have to be anything I'm not.

So I'm lazy but I go by the book at times. Those days, I loved getting my work done before it's time, I follow rules as not to get myself and others into troubles. JUst because that's not necessarily what others believe, I re-adjust my thinking. For the sake of fitting in. For the sake of not wanting to be made fun of. Because "skema" aint cool and I wanted to be cool.

I miss the original me.

I have changed. The changes flatter me, the changes make me feel like a poser. How I envy those who are very much themselves. I appreciate my solitary moments but I hate being seen as a loner. Ironic! There are days when I hope they have gone to work earlier so I can be myself, I can be with me, eating what I like, playing my music that they find alien. There are moments when I walk back to the office hoping to have just the furniture and the stationery welcoming me back. Deep inside I'm a happy loner. Just that I've never said it

Now that I've gathered the courage to admit it, they never believe me.

And I feel funny having to justify myself so hard. So I stop and let it be

Happy Injection

• Colourful cellophan tapes...I'm not yet a hoarder, aspiring to be one
• papers papers papers recycled papers, textured papers.talking bout intoxication
• etsy-never knew how addictive that site could be
• misty morning. excitement jerker
• clean car
• airy room
• moleskine journal from azreenchan. that girl is such a doll

there's a lot more but listing them all would make me late for class. not a good impression there
anyway, i'm happy, i'm smiling. i might be laughing next

PATIENCE

easier said than done

gotta keep it nevertheless

i'm partly at fault too. big time!

This girl

I guess I easily plant my eyes on the introverts. They always make me put effort to break their defensive shells and open up to me. Students, classmates, musicians, even tv characters. As I find it difficult to keep up with the chitty chatty ones, it feels warm to be able to engage in a conversation with them, to follow their characters. 

Why? I can't really tell. One thing that I know would be I enjoy learning the other sides of them. These people always have something in store. Something they are too shy to share with others or too private they rather keep it to themselves. Either way, they are quite of a talent. Some are extremely good that the loud ones are no match for them. Wait, that's stereotypical. Regardless of personality, humans are capable of good and bad, talents and junks. Then, why do I take special interest if the thing comes from these lay-low people? I don't know.

Maybe it's the challenge. I feel the urge to dig out what gems I could find. Sometimes, they are just metals but I get hooked and act as if they worth the whole world. Maybe I don't really like gems after all. Maybe its metal that excites me.

I love Yui. She's crazy famous but she ain't all cutesy and stardom chaser. At first, I thought it was aloofness but then I learnt that she's almost socially awkward, the one who could suddenly get nervous attack and all. If it's other musicians, staying quiet, not showing interest to others is arrogance. Having to restart their performance for about three times, that's lack of preparation, a big damage. But it's Yui, it's a different story. She makes us go through her struggle to overcome her trembles, nervousness together. I could watch her giggles with the old guy again and again. Ah, even to put that into words, I don't know how. To point out her good points, I don't know how.

I like pretty girls and she doesn't have the looks that I usually stare and get myself amazed with. Her photoshoot pictures seem awkward. Each time she tries to pull it off, it comes out pretty much done. She has no swag. Her fashion sense is nothing million-worth. The expressions she wears on face are nothing dynamic. Her voice is not that great. She's just...humble. And I kept spazzin her for that.

Ain't Wise Enough to Make A TItle for It

It has been a few days, I'm doing fine. Not entirely ok but definitely better. i guess that was a breaking point. Decisions made, lessons learnt. As we grow wrinkles and hair's thinning and memory's getting bad, there's no way we could keep us the way we used to. I've learnt the price of getting too emotionally attached. It's bad. Had I given room for insanity, trying so much to justify myself, to get what I think I deserve, I could've lost it. I believe I've admitted my wrongs and I was sincere doing that, and so I would let go of the things that I should've had but didn't. 

Right now, I just wanna live in peace, laugh heartily again...And I've had fun with new mates. To say that I don't make friends, that's hasty. I might not get instantly warm and chummy but I still enjoy smiling. I don't immediately consider them to be important to me but I still enjoy having fun with them. Chewing gum is fun and sugary but after some time, it's bland and less exciting you wanna spit it out. I hope that's not what I'm gonna do. I still wanna chew and keep it. For that, the gum has to mean a lot first.

It's ok now, I could swallow the views that I couldn't stand. The damage is done so I might not care as much as I used to and that heals me faster. I would spend more time writing on the vanilla-coloured papers. Perhaps, a cup of tea and a slice of cake would be good companions to my recycled book. Wahhh...Just like what they do on tv. But yeah, I wanna do that, me and the inanimate companions. Katie said it doesn't have to be the habitual, random things work too. Arigatou ne Katie chan. And chingu also ^_^ 

nervous

 I hope it'd lead to something better. I hope she'd really open up and mean what she'd say. Cuz I would believe what she'd say


I don't know what to expect, I can't even guess. 


I just want us to get better


toes and fingers, freezing. heart beats fast

from bad to worse

I've poured my heart out and the other friend apparently is facing the same conflict. Ironically, I don't feel relieved. I don't feel at ease. Our circle has become worse. The urge to just confront and talk becomes more tempting and I need to think about that

serendipity

it's a blog by a friend. I like her. no we didn't really talk back then. she's more like someone-i-know. I knew so little about her but then I found her secret place, tho I'm not really sure if it's a secret. She's good with words. I like her as much as I like nani. I've always wanted eloquence to express my thoughts, my crankiness, complaints, joy, gratitude, jokes...myself. I'm just not good with words. She's a different story. It's the side that I've not seen of her. Then again, we were nothing more but university acquaintances.

At certain times, she speaks my mind convincingly, she disses with style, she complains in a less self-pitiful way. Something that I lack.

I guess I easily adore people who speak my thoughts like a warrior. Probably because people don't really get me most of the time and that is troublesome especially when I need to get along with people. Especially when the people are the ones whom your bestie suddenly has so much fun with. Especially when you fail to do so, u're kicked out ouf the rink. And my mood swings lately, that only adds hatred. At times like this, I read people's rants and I go 'exactly!!!', 'hi 5ive to you lah', etc. I really wanted to reply them, speaking up my responses but I choose to stay unknown unheard unseen of. It's comfortable this way. And less troublesome later on, should any of my writings be found

And to that someone-I-know, I read you not to butt in on your life or makcik-ing around. I'm simpy defining myself, trying to speak a better language. Yess unlike you, I'm turning 26 soon and I've just started this journey

to that friend

seems like you'd b doing just fine without me.
you laugh more than you do when it's just the 2 of us.


i'm sorry. i'm hurt

the alter ego that i've been keeping dormant

detest

resent

hate

annoyed

uncomfortable

irritated

distant

detached

i never knew i'm capable of feeling such feelings over someone. and no, its not like that person has stabbed me from the front and the back. i'm so negative. and to top the list is i keep trying to make things work with that person. only to fail again miserably. perhaps because i do it to please other people, to fit in, not out of sincerity from my inner self

i never knew i could be a sucker and treat someone like that. wow

Childhood wish has not yet come true

I want that. I really want that. doesn't have to be spacious, doesn't to be elaborate.

I just want it to be airy, filled with colours, mess-free and clean, the one that allows the sun to take a peek into it. Ahh...that would be beautiful. The first time I saw mon's room I was lovestruck, I took an instant liking to that place. Great architecture, very practical and the sun shine is just enough. She was talking to me, catching up but I'm sorry, mon, my mind was scheming what would I do had that been my room. I'm almost 26 yet I've never had such a room that has ME in it. Not that I mind sharing. It's more fun to have a roommie. It'd be loads and loads of fun if our space looks more inviting and has less hoards.

One day I would have it. I would live in a space where I can have fresh air circulating, coloured by sunlight. I would. I would.

SEPET=CUTESY!!!

Girls with short hair + sepet. Homaii homaiiii...so pretty


this is exactly why i'm not fond of girls wearing contact lenses to make their eyes anime-like, hoping it'd add extra cuteness to their looks. Major failure! When it first started in Japan, well the Japs could pull it off and Ayumi certainly looks dolly, not to my preference tho. As it reaches Malaysian shore, the girls here got hysterical, complementing each others' fake pupils. In my eyes, you girls look done.

Me, Butthurt

getting all butthurt only hurts me more. I decide to put an end to it, no that's not realistic. I decide to put that somewhere else, obviously it's not even easy. Maybe I should just keep myself busy.

All this mess just makes it difficult to respect myself. Of course I wish the cause of this mess could just vanish. And that only makes me even more pathetic, not being able to handle it smartly with full dignity

so much for being such a loser

it's frustrating. I want to keep the distance, it gets closer instead. I feel uneasy. I think she knows exactly why I was putting the act. Can't she see it that I behave that way whenever the other person is around. How I wish she could see my pain. The pain that started since Shah Alam days. Yeah, I've done her wrong but hey this is too much to bear.

We have tonnes of things that make us distinct from one another. You and that person, you seem to have lotsa things in common. What now? Doesn't it seem just logical if I get down so easily? I feel left out. That's it. You're not mine, definitely and I never say you are. I'm not yours either. But to feel left behind, not being able to join the laughter, not being able to comprehend the jokes, not being able to be as funny, not being able to be as dependable. While you worship that person, it seems that we're oil and water. Just when things are about to dissolve, they suddenly become complicated again with uncalled invasion. I struggle to fit in. Do I really need to not be myself just to keep up with others? I seriously don't know. Both ways don't seem to do me any justice.

You seem happier when you're around that person and how can I complain bout that to you. All of a sudden, came this person bringing extremeties, something you don't experience throughout our friendship and she showers you with all the excitement, impresses you with her skills and abilities, claiming she knows you damn well. Yes, that makes me a second prize. It's like it doesn't even matter if I'm not around as long as that person is. The time that we put up the posters, and that is not the only time. Even when you talk, the use of pronouns and the way you address the listeners, it's like you're just talking to that person. Call me being super sensitive, blame my linguistic sensitivity, but doesn't that signal anything?

I'm not wise enough to describe that sucky feeling effectively. My language is so flat here. You see, I'm not even that good with wordplay either.



And above all, I despise myself for being such a pathetic being. I pity myself that I don't even have the courage to let this off my chest

dissertation

kills

one question that lightened up the situation

"Miss, did you win?"

Hahahhh!! I like that! Just when I entered the room, dazed and confused (hyperbole) with the commotion, I heard that and it really cracked me up. hey thanks a lot dude..Although your jokes are normally lame and kinda i-need-the-spotlights-on-me.

At least it's fairly visible that you're no dumb joker. You provoke me a lot. Intelligently

i agree...

...that facebook is getting more and more boring. whatever you post there is happily misunderstood. kinda sickening when u're speaking your mind only to find out later that people see you as an emo sicko, lamenting and complaining too much. they don't try to analyze my words wisely. in a few years, facebook is probably a history


"them being fools doesn't make my intelligence arrogance"
blobyblo