So Here's My Apology, Ming

Days back, I wrote something terrible to my favourite author.

It started as nothing more than a silly fan wish of not wanting him to make it big. So big that he wont have time for random talks over coffee and such. As I wrote that, I was not even upset that he will be more and more unreachable.

But I guess he replied with sincerity and asking to understand that he needs to reach the top to accomplish his mission which is probably more significant than my silly frustration. Heck. I was not even frustrated yet he tried to mitigate my bitterness. Oh I must've sounded really upset.

Today, I went through his stuffs again. It's become my daily fix. Then, I came across his struggle in publishing his first book. Man, this guy has worked his ass off and I simply asked him to not make it that big. He could've been hurt by my words. He was probably cursing me but he suppressed it in his reply. If really, he did, that's understandable.

I'm also working on something that should have finished two years ago. It's a bumpy ride, making me start to feel useless. Still, this is probably not as hard as what he was working on. When I'll be done with it and some stranger says to my face how he wishes I wouldnt have accomplished my mission, that would feel like a knife slicing my body.

I shouldn't have hit the "send".

The Road Signs

So they are merely road signs I guess. Fin

The Next Phase

One by one, they're moving out and moving on. I'm still here, wondering when will it be my time. It's coming for sure, I know but I naturally anticipate and secretly hoping for it to come sooner.

I put a smile and those questions are made some laughables. All sugary outside, with extra icing on top when I'm a little goofier than usual. Or just act nonchalant. Not sure how long I can keep it that way. One day, I might get frustrated and be more cavemen than I already am.

I too want to go on the next stage, to be a wonderwall and to rely on a wonderwall. Those road signs, hopefully they mean so much more than just road signs.

Language Mastery

One day, one day.

To be able to use language that leaves marks. To write in simple words. To demand scrutiny to comprehend. To do these. In Bahasa Melayu

For that's the real language freak

I can lie to not just you but myself

At least, up to now, that's how I see it. "You can't lie to yourself" is a big lie. You can.
After some time, you'll start believing what you tell yourself to be true. It's called delusionment

i'm done

"never felt the way
i feel today
in so long it's hard for me to specify
i'm beginning to notice
how much this feels like the waking limb
pins and needles
nice to know you
goodbye!"