Breaking My Ego

"...what starts bitter ends sweet. Don't give up because it's not a choice. I know I'm not helping with my story. I am sorry for that but it's so difficult to change because since forever you are the person only I can honestly share my ups and downs in learning without pissing off anywhr during the convo. Haha. Yes, I am that bitter. I am bitter, pessimistic and hateful. I judge all my move and I look down on myself so whn I have friends like you I let it out without feeling too negative with myself. Anyway, back to you. I understand that it's so difficult to actually do something you don't like or don't believe in. i have being doing that since forever, hence the bitterment. To key to not be consumed and fall deeper into depression is to let out the negativity. Find someone to just let out whtever you want to let out, tell thm you just want to detox the anger and they don't have to calm you down. Aim for smthg. Work for it. No victory is worthy to be proud if there were blood, sweat and tears. *no victory is worthy to be proud if there were NO blood, sweat and tears. You can do it, believe in it. You will succeed, hold on tht. You will make a move pursuing it, work on that. Just chin up, you may thnk you spiralling down but actually this is the first step of you taking hold of the reign of your life. You are not anyone's dreams or hope. You are your own. This is not the pain of the new you but this is the kick start of a better you."



Just when I thought of acting ok, you made me break down

Hello November, you look great

Sick and weak.

Painkiller is bad. Masking the pain without healing. November should be overwhelming but this painkiller makes me calm. Too calm.

And so I keep delaying. What about self-promises? What about friendship pact? It's getting harder ro regain self respect.

I am sick. I am weak. Just put a little effort and I can heal myself. I just don't want to.

The dreadful pictures of possible outcomes shall this sickness doesn't go away are reeling. Still, the painkiller is working wonder in my system. To excrete that, someone please slap me hard.

So Here's My Apology, Ming

Days back, I wrote something terrible to my favourite author.

It started as nothing more than a silly fan wish of not wanting him to make it big. So big that he wont have time for random talks over coffee and such. As I wrote that, I was not even upset that he will be more and more unreachable.

But I guess he replied with sincerity and asking to understand that he needs to reach the top to accomplish his mission which is probably more significant than my silly frustration. Heck. I was not even frustrated yet he tried to mitigate my bitterness. Oh I must've sounded really upset.

Today, I went through his stuffs again. It's become my daily fix. Then, I came across his struggle in publishing his first book. Man, this guy has worked his ass off and I simply asked him to not make it that big. He could've been hurt by my words. He was probably cursing me but he suppressed it in his reply. If really, he did, that's understandable.

I'm also working on something that should have finished two years ago. It's a bumpy ride, making me start to feel useless. Still, this is probably not as hard as what he was working on. When I'll be done with it and some stranger says to my face how he wishes I wouldnt have accomplished my mission, that would feel like a knife slicing my body.

I shouldn't have hit the "send".

The Road Signs

So they are merely road signs I guess. Fin

The Next Phase

One by one, they're moving out and moving on. I'm still here, wondering when will it be my time. It's coming for sure, I know but I naturally anticipate and secretly hoping for it to come sooner.

I put a smile and those questions are made some laughables. All sugary outside, with extra icing on top when I'm a little goofier than usual. Or just act nonchalant. Not sure how long I can keep it that way. One day, I might get frustrated and be more cavemen than I already am.

I too want to go on the next stage, to be a wonderwall and to rely on a wonderwall. Those road signs, hopefully they mean so much more than just road signs.

Language Mastery

One day, one day.

To be able to use language that leaves marks. To write in simple words. To demand scrutiny to comprehend. To do these. In Bahasa Melayu

For that's the real language freak

I can lie to not just you but myself

At least, up to now, that's how I see it. "You can't lie to yourself" is a big lie. You can.
After some time, you'll start believing what you tell yourself to be true. It's called delusionment