I take time to get really close to people. It may take up to 5-6 years before I can really open up to that person. There's this wall in me that pulls me backward when I'm trying to move forward. Too soon. I never knew the wall exists until I gave that situation a thought.

I used to have this same feeling on my current precious people. I used to feel really fake and awkward around them. I used to hate and love being with them. I used to push them away and pull them back. Whenever I felt like doing it.

I think she could sense it. Not my wall. But my uneasiness. I'm sorry i don't mean to make anyone feel that way. Okay, that's a lie. When I do it, it's always with full intention or at least, awareness. But that doesnt mean I dont regret it. Having said that doesnt mean it is okay to make people feel that way.

She came at the speed of lightning getting in my space without a single knock. I have to get used to this extremity at the same speed also and I suck at it. I have the wall. And the wall requires time. To filter and process feelings, experiences, thoughts, appreciation, hatred, annoyance...To pull and push repeatedly

I'm sorry again for not being able to let her slip in, yet. I dont know when am I going to. And I dont know if I will.

You tell me, wall.