When It Comes

We don't have that special bond. We never do.

But picturing your condition right now, tears drop. I'm sorry I cant be there. I'm sorry I've never given us a chance. It's not like it's impossible but it's just too difficult for me. The agony in the past causes indescribable awkwardness. It would be so much easier if we hadn't spent the past 24yrs under the same roof. I bet I wouldn't be so awkward. Whenever I see you in pain, I feel a big lump in my throat but I just cant bring myself to go to you and ease the pain. Perhaps that's what my dad feels too. The painful past seems to be the wall. I'm guilty

It feels like we're facing it again soon, after 12yrs. You feel it coming too. very soon. Whichever is best for you, I accept it. That's the least that I can do

You are so nice to me

Not the typical definition of nice tho. bak kata pn roslind, besties r d meanest person for u. I see that in you. This is how u r being nice to me, thinking that its ok to make fun of me. n u'r the one who said "Dia dh makin malas skrg ni", "mcm mn nk siap keje kalo asyik lyn fb je", "pegang la muka tu. biar jerawat bnyk" and "mkn ubat!mata dh mcm dracula" right on my face. ada lagi, u question me. sometimes u even slap me with ur words. After facing annoying encounters wit work, students, strangers, pakcik bus, lousy counter service, instead of giving me comfort words u choose to not let me indulge playing victim.


While others always brag how they are so similar with their bffs, u guys n I are very different.

Each of us is distinct. In a lot of ways; our type of guy, music that we listen to, views n perceptions, d way we spend our paycheck, bad habits, quirkiness, xpression n even d way we clothe ourselves. Kalo discuss literature together, org yg xknal kita msti ingat kita nk gaduh. agree, disagree, agree again, u criticize me i criticize u back.u make fun of me i make fun of u back. banter banter banter n banter again. There's just a lot of times you disapprove my idea of laki hot, lagu best, lawak klakar xhengat. n there's just lotsa times i disagree wit urs too. Masafumi Gotou ni kompem2 kena bahan lagi.



Obviously, you are so mean. so so mean. but when others (yeah, d unrelated n uninvited creatures) tick me off, u are my black butlers.
n when i got sick, u tuam me, make me drink 100 plus *knowing how much i loathe pills* hantar g clinic, almost kena langgar dgn motor xguna, cleaning up my puke, printkan n bind kan my AE, jd driver, organizer, late night chatting partner, my map, surviving instructor, me over ur bf...n those little notes on my table when I woke up

The 6 months in Larkin and d the other 6 months in UM were blahh..of course I had Mika n my sister in JB but it was like having burgers without buns


When you're with me, words refuse to come out. Truth is I care n I value

if we sincerely care

as a child, a grandchild of course we want to do our part. of course we want to contribute something. of course we dont want to end up feeling guilty. of course we dont want to labeled as xpatot, etc. so we plan a lot of things we go the xtra mile to contribute something. the thing is are we really doing it for her sake or we jst wanna save our butts from the guilt, so we shall have no regrets afterwards? if it is the former, wouldnt we grit our teeth, endure the guilt and respect her, not adding more to her discomfort? i believe sometimes emotional therapy works much better than expert medical cure

do you enjoy me? do i enjoy myself?

I need inspiration.

Last time, I had most of it from my students whom I call brats and rascals. This time around, I cant really call the new ones that way. Maybe it's a matter of time. maybe i should get to know them better. I'm on the verge of treating them as my job, not my passion. I hardly think that their ideas are fresh. I'm not interested with their replications of what has been around since 1990. Maybe I should give us time. But time flies. I don't see any signs of improvement

Please, let my synapses spark. Say something that makes me feel ashamed. Be Irwan Abdul Rahman. Make me question my own judgment

I don't really know how to make them. my energy is running low

my very first encounter

it was a rather scary situation. I just realized (not that i never thought of it but that time, it happened right in front of my very eyes) that the politic is just as scary as it can be. They can simply gang up on me. it's madness! If I were in her place at that time, i wouldnt even know how to react. i might just break there n then.

the ones that i know (i hope) that they wont turn their backs on me are my friends, my bestie. the ones that i've known even before i came here. And I hope it remains that way...

of not creating Frankenstein

.

Mr. Higgins and Dr. Bryant are both successful sculptors. Mr. Higgins has turned Eliza into a woman who talks like the upper class. Dr. Bryant has turned Rita into an intellectually educated woman.

Dr Bryant is very genuine as to what education is about. While people may perceive that education is measured by obtaining distinctions, a degree and doctorate certificate, Dr. Bryant sees this kind of education as phoney and superficial. I agree with him. Learning is now driven by the need to satisfy their hunger of external recognition.

Suddenly, students are too absorbed with books and tuitions that they forget the pleasures of growing up n parents become too demanding, society approve only the seemingly smarties. The sun is shining, let's go out and do something! The shining sun is nowhere to be found in your stacks of books.

Dr Bryant does not want to spoil the students with the pretentiousness of the so-called educated life that he despises so much. this is what turning them into squashed cabbage leaves. In the fascination to get recognition or to 'fit in' the society, they tend to lose their uniqueness and they miss the simple pleasures. Is that the real point of being so-called educated. *shrugs

Dr Bryant learns from his statue, that's what I intend to do. these brats exist not for me to judge but to learn from. Some may slap me on the face but that's what people need especially when we'r on the verge of being dogmatic. I want to listen to the young minds. Getting feedback, fresh ideas. Listening them questioning me is not really an insult but its a call for self reflection.

Dr Bryant never leaves Rita regardless of her losing her originality. Rita is not an exhibited possession. And my students are not either. They are individuals and I dont wanna see their achievement as my masterpiece. Puan Rohaya mentioned this before; students are subjects, not objects

And this prof Higgins thinks that he has done enough turning eliza into a duchess. Eliza has improved tremendously, no doubt. She is an externally perfect statue but the internal is deteriorating. His work on her is plastic surgery, firm on the outside, bruised on the inside. All done to win the bet, to maintain his position as a great phonetician regardless of what Eliza eventually becomes. I am guilty for each monster that i create.

I have two options n I choose to be more of Dr Bryant and less of Prof Higgins but that is not what is expected of me

returning bird

it's been a while since d last time i visited dis place. yeah blame it on facebook, i rarely found anytg interesting here. until recently.

since the past few months, i've been looking for a place where i can just spit out what's in my mind. twitter?nuhh...d limitation is too much. facebook? the violation of privacy is too much. i've been looking for a more secluded place. a place that doesnt attract that much attention. and i remember i once created this thing for my computer class. it feels like going back to my own kampung after decades of absence. i took an instant liking at this place. again. i find peace. no pressure. no one's gonna read. no competition of whether or not what i post is gonna b responded, liked, commented, hated, disagreed by others.

of course blogging is nothing private but at least most people related to me don't even know that i revive this place.