everybody changes, i change

i want to change. i have changed and i need to keep it going. i aint happy with the person that i am now. i'm far from being a good person. there are just many things that i'm not happy with. pretty disturbing

and to make changes is nothing easy. fighting the culprits inside is a turmoil. persuading the good changes to stay is two times the turmoil

for i believe i need to tame the internal to tame the external. the internal changes will take care of the external changes

not gonna let this go

i can feel that he's lying. he's lying to me.
thinking i would fall for his tricks

but at least he tried a bit harder to fool me

then i'm a misfit

White signifies beauty
Black signifies hideousness
A girl has to be fairer than her guy
A guy has to be darker than his girl
A girl has to be thinner
Wearing a bare face on a day out is unthink of
THE group wear marc jacobs and michael kors
Smile, greet, befriend the professors, the ones with PhD and a lot of other worldly recognitions, not the janitors and cleaners
Straight A's scorers, DL receivers are the geniuses
Mention his race when he does anything sickening
Naive pictures with posts full of slurs

Disagree with these and we're misfits

teacher's laments...unjustified perhaps

in the next few years, will i be what they are now? I used to put effort to know my brats. I could even tell who they are by looking at their handwriting and I know their full name including their dad's name. i did it by heart. But look at what's going on now. I got bogged down by other things I'm not good at handling and I have less time to spent with my current students.

I rarely talk to them.

the then me took extra mile to help the brats, providing extra consultation outside class hour. the now me is more concerned with finishing the syllabus than conducting meaningful learning.

it's difficult! I don't feel at ease. It's mind boggling. It's not healthy. Not at all

I don't want to die out of stress. I want to die in peace and satisfaction knowing that i've guided a soul finding the real purpose of attending university. How ironic! My intention and my attitude contradict each other.

i want to go back to who I used to be. I like that person. I want to be the teacher that the brats feel comfortable with, can relate to, can provoke. i want to be the one who encourages them to be vocal, with poise and respect.

When It Comes

We don't have that special bond. We never do.

But picturing your condition right now, tears drop. I'm sorry I cant be there. I'm sorry I've never given us a chance. It's not like it's impossible but it's just too difficult for me. The agony in the past causes indescribable awkwardness. It would be so much easier if we hadn't spent the past 24yrs under the same roof. I bet I wouldn't be so awkward. Whenever I see you in pain, I feel a big lump in my throat but I just cant bring myself to go to you and ease the pain. Perhaps that's what my dad feels too. The painful past seems to be the wall. I'm guilty

It feels like we're facing it again soon, after 12yrs. You feel it coming too. very soon. Whichever is best for you, I accept it. That's the least that I can do

You are so nice to me

Not the typical definition of nice tho. bak kata pn roslind, besties r d meanest person for u. I see that in you. This is how u r being nice to me, thinking that its ok to make fun of me. n u'r the one who said "Dia dh makin malas skrg ni", "mcm mn nk siap keje kalo asyik lyn fb je", "pegang la muka tu. biar jerawat bnyk" and "mkn ubat!mata dh mcm dracula" right on my face. ada lagi, u question me. sometimes u even slap me with ur words. After facing annoying encounters wit work, students, strangers, pakcik bus, lousy counter service, instead of giving me comfort words u choose to not let me indulge playing victim.


While others always brag how they are so similar with their bffs, u guys n I are very different.

Each of us is distinct. In a lot of ways; our type of guy, music that we listen to, views n perceptions, d way we spend our paycheck, bad habits, quirkiness, xpression n even d way we clothe ourselves. Kalo discuss literature together, org yg xknal kita msti ingat kita nk gaduh. agree, disagree, agree again, u criticize me i criticize u back.u make fun of me i make fun of u back. banter banter banter n banter again. There's just a lot of times you disapprove my idea of laki hot, lagu best, lawak klakar xhengat. n there's just lotsa times i disagree wit urs too. Masafumi Gotou ni kompem2 kena bahan lagi.



Obviously, you are so mean. so so mean. but when others (yeah, d unrelated n uninvited creatures) tick me off, u are my black butlers.
n when i got sick, u tuam me, make me drink 100 plus *knowing how much i loathe pills* hantar g clinic, almost kena langgar dgn motor xguna, cleaning up my puke, printkan n bind kan my AE, jd driver, organizer, late night chatting partner, my map, surviving instructor, me over ur bf...n those little notes on my table when I woke up

The 6 months in Larkin and d the other 6 months in UM were blahh..of course I had Mika n my sister in JB but it was like having burgers without buns


When you're with me, words refuse to come out. Truth is I care n I value

if we sincerely care

as a child, a grandchild of course we want to do our part. of course we want to contribute something. of course we dont want to end up feeling guilty. of course we dont want to labeled as xpatot, etc. so we plan a lot of things we go the xtra mile to contribute something. the thing is are we really doing it for her sake or we jst wanna save our butts from the guilt, so we shall have no regrets afterwards? if it is the former, wouldnt we grit our teeth, endure the guilt and respect her, not adding more to her discomfort? i believe sometimes emotional therapy works much better than expert medical cure