lessons learnt

I never knew I would shed a lot of tears. considering our relationship that wasnt that good. Yeah it got better on your few last days. We've all seen how you suffered so when you left, I somehow felt relieved. I've been praying that I would accept whichever way that is best for you. And I do.

I wonder how does he feel. He was next to you when you took the last breath. Of all people, I believe he is the one affected the most. He might not be the greatest man nor greatest dad nor greatest son, at least according to some people. But thinking back, he stood by you at your weakest point. And I got to know why he doesnt put any trust on doctors. It was the mercy killing that took his dad away. The Suntikan Kasih Sayang. Crap! I wouldnt blame hihm. And I will respect his decision if he refuses medical treatment even tho the disease is eating him up. I will endure the guilt and pain that I feel, wacthing him holding on every little strength that he still has. I'm sure it'l rip my heart but I will respect his decision. I will.

I take time to get really close to people. It may take up to 5-6 years before I can really open up to that person. There's this wall in me that pulls me backward when I'm trying to move forward. Too soon. I never knew the wall exists until I gave that situation a thought.

I used to have this same feeling on my current precious people. I used to feel really fake and awkward around them. I used to hate and love being with them. I used to push them away and pull them back. Whenever I felt like doing it.

I think she could sense it. Not my wall. But my uneasiness. I'm sorry i don't mean to make anyone feel that way. Okay, that's a lie. When I do it, it's always with full intention or at least, awareness. But that doesnt mean I dont regret it. Having said that doesnt mean it is okay to make people feel that way.

She came at the speed of lightning getting in my space without a single knock. I have to get used to this extremity at the same speed also and I suck at it. I have the wall. And the wall requires time. To filter and process feelings, experiences, thoughts, appreciation, hatred, annoyance...To pull and push repeatedly

I'm sorry again for not being able to let her slip in, yet. I dont know when am I going to. And I dont know if I will.

You tell me, wall.

Empty Pages

I only write when I have strong feelings about something. And time.

These are what my eyes attracted to

*the lefties. they got me turn around and ogle the movement of their left hands
*the headlines. the frowns on their forehead ^^
*the sepets. this only highlights the heavy influence of chinese tv series since primary school
*the glasses. cool glasses with a hint of geekiness



and these are what my mind attracted to

*the talents. nothing major tho, jst great skill in minor things like sketching, pen-tricks, etc
*the keep-it-lows. they dont really stand under the light but they still stand out...in my eyes
*the out-of-norm's. like seriously, i'm amazed with how they see things in different dimensions
*the atypicals. ok, redundancy here. but...yeah, this is the magnet

the last ones have the strongest electric and i'm still looking for that electric shock. so, twilight guys are not the ones to bring the electricity

but these are easily overlooked

i'm grateful
i'm thankful

one week that was a great recharge
time spent with tv shows n family
time spent with me
the good food on the table
the not so good food on the table
the senses that are still working very fine
love, sacrifices of others
the fresh smell of air freshener
the nourishing rain drops
the heat that dries up my clothes
kelisa that has been loyal
the mind that could think
the patience in me
the sanity


there are so many things that i could be grateful of

dgn sape lg nk ckp camni

aku suka sandwich tp bila diri sndiri rasa mcm sandwich, this is nothing pleasurable
aku nk bgtau pndapat sebenar n u're in denial
nmpk macam hidup aku gembira. tp bila dikepit mcm ni, aku btol2 penyek


truth is i'm deeply sad

everybody changes, i change

i want to change. i have changed and i need to keep it going. i aint happy with the person that i am now. i'm far from being a good person. there are just many things that i'm not happy with. pretty disturbing

and to make changes is nothing easy. fighting the culprits inside is a turmoil. persuading the good changes to stay is two times the turmoil

for i believe i need to tame the internal to tame the external. the internal changes will take care of the external changes