There's This Voice in My Head

"Just don't.  You're not in  any way entitled to boast that your piece of mind is wayyy above everyone else. How your brain functions ain't similar to theirs. Why compare. Scratch that. Comparison is not the issue here. Why put your head in a rocket and zoom it high up in space. Your bulb and their bulbs aren't identical. You see things in a different light.

So you hate listening to their copy-pasted commentary. So their cookie-cutter view of the world is pulling teeth. So the small bunches of your kind make you feel extra limited edition.

Is it an attempt to make you accept you, as you wonder why you hardly find a place among them? It could be your attempt to cover your insecurity for feeling out of place, for feeling not-one-of-them.

No one likes a braggart. Be careful when you try to speak up. While your intention is to make them keep the cookie cutter in the drawer, you might end up being the one that talks too much. They don't see your point, leave. Do it with style, keep your cool the Harvey Spector way. Keep your mind for those who matter to you."


Yes, I'm talking to you, self.

I want to win the inner battle again, like how I used to

I've made several promises. Promises to myself, self-assured that those would be kept. I didn't. I've failed to keep my word. And what makes it even more horrible is that I've not cleansed myself. I've tried and and I fell for it again. I've not fully repented. I'm scared of how munafiq I might become.

self-lament

I looked at how my friends wore fabric shoes. Cool!! Converse was too mainstream. The ones bought on the street or blogs were much more appealing. Guys with white t painted with a few splashes of paint, fabric sneakers, fabric bag, worn out checkered shirt, swoon...
Now I see the students walk to class wearing fabric shoes. I like it a lot. Cool!!! My job doesn't allow me to wear such footwear, so I make my brother get something like those. I'm so much into cool, inexpensive stuffs. How I wish to go to Pipit, flea markets and such where uniqueness and creativity are overflowing. Awesomeness!

***********************

I was envious of them friends, coursemates, classmates, etc. How could they afford Zara, MNG, Roxy, Esprit and the likes? How could students wear Dorothy Perkins to class as if it's just some kind pasar malam outfits? Being able to splurge my study loan on a few pieces of Forever21 was big enough for me.
When everyone is in deep sleep, I turn on my laptop to browse the flashy things flashy people wear. I even calculate my saving, how much do I need to cut from my food to get a pre-loved Balenciaga. Cuz I saw someone carrying the original LV. I think I need to get something from the high end labels too. I want to look exquisite. Dabbing Clinique moisturiser and carrying Givenchy. Perfection.

***********************

These two things contradict each other. As much as I want to be an individual, seen as an individual, I'm still blinded by things that blindfold other lost people. As much as I want to value internal qualities, I still gravitate towards superficiality. I'm still lying to myself. I'm still indecisive as to which path is ME

Mentally adolescent

The child in me screams it's full of lies, filth. The adult in me comforts, "read, watch and think like a grown up." The adult's visit is comparable to the sun during winter.

It's a shame. I'm in denial, running away from it as not to create pain in my head, refusing to dig and sort and detangle. It's easier to just indulge in world full of colours, superficial beauty, passive readings, mindless music.

I've talked and argued. With skimpy pov, merely opinionated, backed up with insubstantial substance. That's the most politic-warrior act I've ever been

I thought that would be enough. I'm still tender, lets not spoil my life. Till I met those young minds.

She might look like another carefree urbanite yet she's capable of mouthing matured talks. She didn't have to, I didn't ask her but she wrote about her observation of the authority vs people's interest.

He has started early. Reading, thinking, talking politics and society when at such age, my world was filled with Britney and the likes.

They are a lot younger than me, they are students. I'm 26, I teach. And that's a slap that leaves sorely red marks

I'm just guarding myself

I value money
I feel pain
I sometimes face financial crises
I have tight budget
I just kick it aside so it won't top my list of concerns
so that i'd feel more grateful for other things not measured by notes and bills
so that my black heart becomes whiter

After all, I grew up wishing for a pair of jeans would miraculously appear in the laundry basket
My saving account bears pitiful number but hey my life is soooo much better than those days
So please, please don't erase that from my memory. I'm trying hard to make myself grateful for the blessings I get every day
Being a slave, trading parts of me that are still pure, betraying my belief for the sake of money in bulk
Please, I'm trying not to be those whom I've scoffed for their devotion to money

Ya Allah, Alhamdulillah...Your blessings are beyond description

In A Day

we rushed for not wanting others to wait
we rushed to find that others weren't ready
we went there with a bunch of others
we left our car depended on others who knew how to get there
we left our car it saved us some cash
we carpooled with many stops
we carpooled and numb our legs
we went with others and must go back with others
we went with others and the left ones at home must endure
we went back with others we heaved a sigh of relief
we went back with others it was not quick
we took the offer for a ride we wished we had a ride on our own
we took the offer for a ride we shall not complain.


***********************************

they came in turquoise their parents were gone
they came in n mum started to make me cry
they started singing but no one clapped, including me
they started singing and tears welled up my eyes
they took their food and enjoyed it
they took their food but it seemed like the chairs were not enough
they were shy with the camera flashes
they were shy but they started to smile
they saw the tablet and were curiously drawn
they saw the tablet but the boy didn't look pleased
they tried their fingers on it like a bunch of excited ants with a laid candy
they tried their fingers on it the boy's family laughed at them
they were lining up to leave they were just a bunch of kids
they were lining up to leave how tough it must've been for the guardians
they got their pictures taken using the same tablet they were laughed for
they got their pictures taken for charitable image maybe
they were leaving I regret I didn't have much to offer
they were leaving and I could only pray they would be well taken care of


**************************************

he looked friendly smiling and talking
he looked friendly if that was real
he is a father he pushed the girl
he is a father was she a nuisance to him?
I don't live his life I shan't speak of his moral before my eyes

***************************************

he seemed to have an important role
he was a relative of the other side perhaps
he was not once seen saying anything to anyone there
he couldn't be the relative, or could he?
he was busy moving here and there
he lay low, working backstage
he was committed to what he was doing
he gave no chance for empty buffet trays
he cleaned the table
he towered above us and set the garbage bag
he made me wonder if he had been doing these his whole life
he was not a worker there, that's certain
he clearly was just helping out
he had his own plate when the guests were done and started leaving
he sat there comfortably enjoying his full plate with his hands
now that's manly!

I'm Glad We Went to See Him

I didn't get to go to the southern part.

I didn't have new baju kurung.

I couldn't find the new bag that I need. Urgently.

I didn't get anything though the sale was extended.

I haven't taken my deposit back because the sugus-themed watch strap was no longer available.

I celebrated another eid single, despite the annual declaration to get hitched.

I didn't get replies.

I screwed another chance. I literally let that go wihtout a single serious attempt to make use of it.

I apologized and I started to hate.

I am still not done with what I've started.

I turned down invitations to meet up with old friends.

I somehow felt differently about some of those in my circle.

I didn't get anything done during the break and so I didn't keep a promise to myself.

But I got to see that old man and that has brought a lot of meaning to my Eid celebration.

That wise old guy is very much the same as I remembered him 14 years ago. Only much older.
And frail.