but these are easily overlooked

i'm grateful
i'm thankful

one week that was a great recharge
time spent with tv shows n family
time spent with me
the good food on the table
the not so good food on the table
the senses that are still working very fine
love, sacrifices of others
the fresh smell of air freshener
the nourishing rain drops
the heat that dries up my clothes
kelisa that has been loyal
the mind that could think
the patience in me
the sanity


there are so many things that i could be grateful of

dgn sape lg nk ckp camni

aku suka sandwich tp bila diri sndiri rasa mcm sandwich, this is nothing pleasurable
aku nk bgtau pndapat sebenar n u're in denial
nmpk macam hidup aku gembira. tp bila dikepit mcm ni, aku btol2 penyek


truth is i'm deeply sad

everybody changes, i change

i want to change. i have changed and i need to keep it going. i aint happy with the person that i am now. i'm far from being a good person. there are just many things that i'm not happy with. pretty disturbing

and to make changes is nothing easy. fighting the culprits inside is a turmoil. persuading the good changes to stay is two times the turmoil

for i believe i need to tame the internal to tame the external. the internal changes will take care of the external changes

not gonna let this go

i can feel that he's lying. he's lying to me.
thinking i would fall for his tricks

but at least he tried a bit harder to fool me

then i'm a misfit

White signifies beauty
Black signifies hideousness
A girl has to be fairer than her guy
A guy has to be darker than his girl
A girl has to be thinner
Wearing a bare face on a day out is unthink of
THE group wear marc jacobs and michael kors
Smile, greet, befriend the professors, the ones with PhD and a lot of other worldly recognitions, not the janitors and cleaners
Straight A's scorers, DL receivers are the geniuses
Mention his race when he does anything sickening
Naive pictures with posts full of slurs

Disagree with these and we're misfits

teacher's laments...unjustified perhaps

in the next few years, will i be what they are now? I used to put effort to know my brats. I could even tell who they are by looking at their handwriting and I know their full name including their dad's name. i did it by heart. But look at what's going on now. I got bogged down by other things I'm not good at handling and I have less time to spent with my current students.

I rarely talk to them.

the then me took extra mile to help the brats, providing extra consultation outside class hour. the now me is more concerned with finishing the syllabus than conducting meaningful learning.

it's difficult! I don't feel at ease. It's mind boggling. It's not healthy. Not at all

I don't want to die out of stress. I want to die in peace and satisfaction knowing that i've guided a soul finding the real purpose of attending university. How ironic! My intention and my attitude contradict each other.

i want to go back to who I used to be. I like that person. I want to be the teacher that the brats feel comfortable with, can relate to, can provoke. i want to be the one who encourages them to be vocal, with poise and respect.

When It Comes

We don't have that special bond. We never do.

But picturing your condition right now, tears drop. I'm sorry I cant be there. I'm sorry I've never given us a chance. It's not like it's impossible but it's just too difficult for me. The agony in the past causes indescribable awkwardness. It would be so much easier if we hadn't spent the past 24yrs under the same roof. I bet I wouldn't be so awkward. Whenever I see you in pain, I feel a big lump in my throat but I just cant bring myself to go to you and ease the pain. Perhaps that's what my dad feels too. The painful past seems to be the wall. I'm guilty

It feels like we're facing it again soon, after 12yrs. You feel it coming too. very soon. Whichever is best for you, I accept it. That's the least that I can do