the food was great...

...with all the ingredients that perked up my taste buds. And tears almost dropped. The painful pain was screaming inside, watching his trembling hands spooning slowly tho greedily the meal in. I couldnt finish my meal, I gave half of mine to him. He didn't say no. I was afraid that the sweet poison in the food would mess with his sleep, that his legs would get cranky but he seemed to really enjoy it and i ended up offering the stuffs that would damage his health more. I hope it didnt.

Its difficult to swallow that this man is old. I rarely talk to him and now he's old. Their relationship got a lot better and I should be happy. Its weird. I am happy. Happily sad

As I was driving back, listening to some kpop craps, I felt that sharp pain again. It was jerking my tears out. For no reason I really felt like crying a lot. And now I'm worried that I might get the call again. The same call last Ramadhan and the same call 12yrs ago

wishes

I hope I wont feel awkward around them
I hope I wont feel fake
I hope it'd be hell lot of fun
I hope I don't gain weight
I hope the food won't go wasted
I hope I won't cry too much
I hope all my work will be done
I hope the one week off could be extended
I hope I'd enjoy Hari Raya as much as I did when I was younger

lessons learnt

I never knew I would shed a lot of tears. considering our relationship that wasnt that good. Yeah it got better on your few last days. We've all seen how you suffered so when you left, I somehow felt relieved. I've been praying that I would accept whichever way that is best for you. And I do.

I wonder how does he feel. He was next to you when you took the last breath. Of all people, I believe he is the one affected the most. He might not be the greatest man nor greatest dad nor greatest son, at least according to some people. But thinking back, he stood by you at your weakest point. And I got to know why he doesnt put any trust on doctors. It was the mercy killing that took his dad away. The Suntikan Kasih Sayang. Crap! I wouldnt blame hihm. And I will respect his decision if he refuses medical treatment even tho the disease is eating him up. I will endure the guilt and pain that I feel, wacthing him holding on every little strength that he still has. I'm sure it'l rip my heart but I will respect his decision. I will.

I take time to get really close to people. It may take up to 5-6 years before I can really open up to that person. There's this wall in me that pulls me backward when I'm trying to move forward. Too soon. I never knew the wall exists until I gave that situation a thought.

I used to have this same feeling on my current precious people. I used to feel really fake and awkward around them. I used to hate and love being with them. I used to push them away and pull them back. Whenever I felt like doing it.

I think she could sense it. Not my wall. But my uneasiness. I'm sorry i don't mean to make anyone feel that way. Okay, that's a lie. When I do it, it's always with full intention or at least, awareness. But that doesnt mean I dont regret it. Having said that doesnt mean it is okay to make people feel that way.

She came at the speed of lightning getting in my space without a single knock. I have to get used to this extremity at the same speed also and I suck at it. I have the wall. And the wall requires time. To filter and process feelings, experiences, thoughts, appreciation, hatred, annoyance...To pull and push repeatedly

I'm sorry again for not being able to let her slip in, yet. I dont know when am I going to. And I dont know if I will.

You tell me, wall.

Empty Pages

I only write when I have strong feelings about something. And time.

These are what my eyes attracted to

*the lefties. they got me turn around and ogle the movement of their left hands
*the headlines. the frowns on their forehead ^^
*the sepets. this only highlights the heavy influence of chinese tv series since primary school
*the glasses. cool glasses with a hint of geekiness



and these are what my mind attracted to

*the talents. nothing major tho, jst great skill in minor things like sketching, pen-tricks, etc
*the keep-it-lows. they dont really stand under the light but they still stand out...in my eyes
*the out-of-norm's. like seriously, i'm amazed with how they see things in different dimensions
*the atypicals. ok, redundancy here. but...yeah, this is the magnet

the last ones have the strongest electric and i'm still looking for that electric shock. so, twilight guys are not the ones to bring the electricity

but these are easily overlooked

i'm grateful
i'm thankful

one week that was a great recharge
time spent with tv shows n family
time spent with me
the good food on the table
the not so good food on the table
the senses that are still working very fine
love, sacrifices of others
the fresh smell of air freshener
the nourishing rain drops
the heat that dries up my clothes
kelisa that has been loyal
the mind that could think
the patience in me
the sanity


there are so many things that i could be grateful of