A few words with such great impact. A few words that broke me. A few words that brought back difficult times. All those times trying to convince myself to forgive and let go.

To know that I was not alone. I am supposed to feel relieved. I am not.

I shiver. When I got that scar, when I was too scared, when I feel disgusted, betrayed, mistreated, someone else was going thru the same pain. Offering me the faintest protection possible.

It hurts.

I'm sorry I don't have the courage yet. I'll let it stay buried for as long as I can

Something is very wrong when people associate talent, warmth, attraction and most important of all, acceptance with physical appearance.

Looks are the first thing that most of us notice in a person. Yes, we gravitate to hot guys, pretty girls, cute kids. But, that usually starts to fade when we look at the internal aspects; intelligence, manner, dependability, etc. A guy/girl loses his/her beauty once he/she becomes pretty much a dumbass. Kids are no longer cute when they act all mighty and bratty.

A lot of us fail to notice that we judge and emphasize too much on the looks. Unknowingly act and speak all nicely to those blessed with good looks yet become oblivious to the existence of those who are lacking in the beauty department. So we give a standing ovation when that pretty girl picks up the thrash but we look at the other place when the not-so-pretty is saving a life. Now I can already hear voices contesting me. I might exaggerate a bit there but seriously, a lot of us are guilty as charged.

 Remember what we've said bout geeks and nerds, despite knowing so little bout them? Remember how we've acted nonchalant to the existence of those with mediocre looks? Remember how we've waited for Betty to undergo a makeover and be smoking hot? Much to our dismay, she never does. Not a single physical makeover. And why is Betty not going thru a physical makeover frustrating us so much?


I'd be a big fat liar if dont admit that I wish to marry someone who is freaking hot. How can I not want him to be freaking hot. He has to be. And it's his exceptional personality, together with wisdom, leadership, wit, etc. that make him f.r.e.a.k.i.n.g.h.o.t.

And I hope I always stick with this. I too, might get infected with this cancerous norm that is eating the society slowly, silently.

Think I Look Down on My People?

Not that I despise them so much. Not that I think whatever comes from my people is a huge tank full of craps. That's unfair for people to see me in that light. Cuz I do appreciate local acts. The brilliant, honest, eccentric ones. And how many works can be put under those umbrellas?

Take it this way.
You play Command & Conquer, you're pretty much geared up for level 10 and suddenly the game sets you to go back to level 2. Or, a bunch of students copy paste materials from the net and insist the writing is theirs despite being shown the internet version of "their" assignment on their face. Or, even more pathetic, a bunch of students fight for "their" work but go dead silent when asked to explain an excerpt of it. Ok, too much student talk. Anyway, these things would've made anyone feel pissy. Gives you the who-do-you-take-me-for moment.

So, I don't go yacking about how I watch local dramas, listen to local songs. Doesnt mean I betray local acts. 
And those overly famed works. I watch, doesn't mean I enjoy. It's for the fun of it. Thst kind of fun.


*  Please..Do watch the more humble stuffs. They teach us a thing or two that mainstream productions are too proud to bring up

 

So this happens again

"and I want you to know you're doing this to yourself"


She's bleeding.
She creates the wounds. But no one can tell her that. She has to see it herself, when she comes to her senses. There's just too much negativity that blindfolds her.

I want to tell her but I might become an enemy. So I only write. And I feel heavy

There's This Voice in My Head

"Just don't.  You're not in  any way entitled to boast that your piece of mind is wayyy above everyone else. How your brain functions ain't similar to theirs. Why compare. Scratch that. Comparison is not the issue here. Why put your head in a rocket and zoom it high up in space. Your bulb and their bulbs aren't identical. You see things in a different light.

So you hate listening to their copy-pasted commentary. So their cookie-cutter view of the world is pulling teeth. So the small bunches of your kind make you feel extra limited edition.

Is it an attempt to make you accept you, as you wonder why you hardly find a place among them? It could be your attempt to cover your insecurity for feeling out of place, for feeling not-one-of-them.

No one likes a braggart. Be careful when you try to speak up. While your intention is to make them keep the cookie cutter in the drawer, you might end up being the one that talks too much. They don't see your point, leave. Do it with style, keep your cool the Harvey Spector way. Keep your mind for those who matter to you."


Yes, I'm talking to you, self.

I want to win the inner battle again, like how I used to

I've made several promises. Promises to myself, self-assured that those would be kept. I didn't. I've failed to keep my word. And what makes it even more horrible is that I've not cleansed myself. I've tried and and I fell for it again. I've not fully repented. I'm scared of how munafiq I might become.

self-lament

I looked at how my friends wore fabric shoes. Cool!! Converse was too mainstream. The ones bought on the street or blogs were much more appealing. Guys with white t painted with a few splashes of paint, fabric sneakers, fabric bag, worn out checkered shirt, swoon...
Now I see the students walk to class wearing fabric shoes. I like it a lot. Cool!!! My job doesn't allow me to wear such footwear, so I make my brother get something like those. I'm so much into cool, inexpensive stuffs. How I wish to go to Pipit, flea markets and such where uniqueness and creativity are overflowing. Awesomeness!

***********************

I was envious of them friends, coursemates, classmates, etc. How could they afford Zara, MNG, Roxy, Esprit and the likes? How could students wear Dorothy Perkins to class as if it's just some kind pasar malam outfits? Being able to splurge my study loan on a few pieces of Forever21 was big enough for me.
When everyone is in deep sleep, I turn on my laptop to browse the flashy things flashy people wear. I even calculate my saving, how much do I need to cut from my food to get a pre-loved Balenciaga. Cuz I saw someone carrying the original LV. I think I need to get something from the high end labels too. I want to look exquisite. Dabbing Clinique moisturiser and carrying Givenchy. Perfection.

***********************

These two things contradict each other. As much as I want to be an individual, seen as an individual, I'm still blinded by things that blindfold other lost people. As much as I want to value internal qualities, I still gravitate towards superficiality. I'm still lying to myself. I'm still indecisive as to which path is ME