mediocrity

28 years old. What really have I done?

'kau tak apa,aku ni lagi susah'

The things that we do to feel in the crowd. Funny.

Why compete to be the unfortunate ones. So she talks about her hardship. And our way of comforting is by trying to beat her out. Now we're the ones suffering the most. Feeling better? Funny.

How about silently say our gratitude and count our blessings. Oh wait, we don't want to be an ass. We want to be understanding of what others have to deal with. Tell you what, your you-should-be-lucky-cuz-my-life-stinks-more way of consoling is the real ass

 Plus,when she comes to you genuinely to let it out,really,it's about her. Not us. So be the main character next time

Horse to Water

Surely. What's the point of forcing when the soul rejects it.

Don't feel bad. Don't feel betrayed.

Because in the end,you're on your own. High school's over

Sure, let's go

It's not like the world becomes jellies and cupcakes if I stop now.
Believe in it. Write.

Breaking My Ego

"...what starts bitter ends sweet. Don't give up because it's not a choice. I know I'm not helping with my story. I am sorry for that but it's so difficult to change because since forever you are the person only I can honestly share my ups and downs in learning without pissing off anywhr during the convo. Haha. Yes, I am that bitter. I am bitter, pessimistic and hateful. I judge all my move and I look down on myself so whn I have friends like you I let it out without feeling too negative with myself. Anyway, back to you. I understand that it's so difficult to actually do something you don't like or don't believe in. i have being doing that since forever, hence the bitterment. To key to not be consumed and fall deeper into depression is to let out the negativity. Find someone to just let out whtever you want to let out, tell thm you just want to detox the anger and they don't have to calm you down. Aim for smthg. Work for it. No victory is worthy to be proud if there were blood, sweat and tears. *no victory is worthy to be proud if there were NO blood, sweat and tears. You can do it, believe in it. You will succeed, hold on tht. You will make a move pursuing it, work on that. Just chin up, you may thnk you spiralling down but actually this is the first step of you taking hold of the reign of your life. You are not anyone's dreams or hope. You are your own. This is not the pain of the new you but this is the kick start of a better you."



Just when I thought of acting ok, you made me break down

Hello November, you look great

Sick and weak.

Painkiller is bad. Masking the pain without healing. November should be overwhelming but this painkiller makes me calm. Too calm.

And so I keep delaying. What about self-promises? What about friendship pact? It's getting harder ro regain self respect.

I am sick. I am weak. Just put a little effort and I can heal myself. I just don't want to.

The dreadful pictures of possible outcomes shall this sickness doesn't go away are reeling. Still, the painkiller is working wonder in my system. To excrete that, someone please slap me hard.

So Here's My Apology, Ming

Days back, I wrote something terrible to my favourite author.

It started as nothing more than a silly fan wish of not wanting him to make it big. So big that he wont have time for random talks over coffee and such. As I wrote that, I was not even upset that he will be more and more unreachable.

But I guess he replied with sincerity and asking to understand that he needs to reach the top to accomplish his mission which is probably more significant than my silly frustration. Heck. I was not even frustrated yet he tried to mitigate my bitterness. Oh I must've sounded really upset.

Today, I went through his stuffs again. It's become my daily fix. Then, I came across his struggle in publishing his first book. Man, this guy has worked his ass off and I simply asked him to not make it that big. He could've been hurt by my words. He was probably cursing me but he suppressed it in his reply. If really, he did, that's understandable.

I'm also working on something that should have finished two years ago. It's a bumpy ride, making me start to feel useless. Still, this is probably not as hard as what he was working on. When I'll be done with it and some stranger says to my face how he wishes I wouldnt have accomplished my mission, that would feel like a knife slicing my body.

I shouldn't have hit the "send".

The Road Signs

So they are merely road signs I guess. Fin

The Next Phase

One by one, they're moving out and moving on. I'm still here, wondering when will it be my time. It's coming for sure, I know but I naturally anticipate and secretly hoping for it to come sooner.

I put a smile and those questions are made some laughables. All sugary outside, with extra icing on top when I'm a little goofier than usual. Or just act nonchalant. Not sure how long I can keep it that way. One day, I might get frustrated and be more cavemen than I already am.

I too want to go on the next stage, to be a wonderwall and to rely on a wonderwall. Those road signs, hopefully they mean so much more than just road signs.

Language Mastery

One day, one day.

To be able to use language that leaves marks. To write in simple words. To demand scrutiny to comprehend. To do these. In Bahasa Melayu

For that's the real language freak

I can lie to not just you but myself

At least, up to now, that's how I see it. "You can't lie to yourself" is a big lie. You can.
After some time, you'll start believing what you tell yourself to be true. It's called delusionment

i'm done

"never felt the way
i feel today
in so long it's hard for me to specify
i'm beginning to notice
how much this feels like the waking limb
pins and needles
nice to know you
goodbye!"

Heartquake

It's been three years and I've been masking my true feelings. Running away from finishing what I've passionately started. That's the easiest way to momentarily hide from such feeling that makes anyone feel like a loser.

I dont have that much time left n life is still chaotic. I long to feel at ease, genuinely at ease. I want to quieten the chaos. I want to reasonably and deservedly lament. Most importantly, I want that sense of achievement which has long been gone.



I should do more than just wanting 

It's about time to move from dormant to active.

You, my friend, have to restart again and I need to get mine done.

We shall keep ourselves busy and restless.

You, my friend. If I'm so sick to do this for myself, then I shall do this in the name of our friendship

Let's call it a pact.

To hit the rock bottom and rise together.

It was a sea of tears last night. It's been a while since the last time such anxiety, guilt, suffocation, helplessnes surfaced

Don't know how much it's worth but he wears it like it's no big deal. It's clearly worn out and the seaming, the zipper is torn, signalling its heavy duty. Years back, I would've gritted my teeth going to school with such a bag. I would've hungered myself and bought a new bag. Or go bagless.

He might be feeling the pain of embarrassment, he might not.  He might be concealing the pinching pain of embarrassment each time the others shoot the degrading look. He could be bottling it inside.

I look at the fossil that i've just bought and the dkny that I'm planning to stash. A few purple notes exchanged and I'm satisfied. The same amount that could get him a new backpack and keeps him away from hunger for  at least 3 weeks. Like the sun eating up the ice, the shame it causes feels really harsh.

I wish I could just wrap him a new bag but my position wouldnt allow that 

When it's just too noisy

Get on the train, sit next to strangers or give up a seat for a stranger.

Go grab a coffee. Maybe green tea. Or sandwiches. Cendol is yum too.

Don't forget that beautiful recycled book. And wooden pencil. Write something. Draw something

Cook up reasons to see a doctor. Because doctors listen. And they are nobody.

Exchange words with kids, pakcik, makcik, taxi driver, fellow commuters, cendol junkies, random people



Ahh...how relaxing. My kind of escape.

A few words with such great impact. A few words that broke me. A few words that brought back difficult times. All those times trying to convince myself to forgive and let go.

To know that I was not alone. I am supposed to feel relieved. I am not.

I shiver. When I got that scar, when I was too scared, when I feel disgusted, betrayed, mistreated, someone else was going thru the same pain. Offering me the faintest protection possible.

It hurts.

I'm sorry I don't have the courage yet. I'll let it stay buried for as long as I can

Something is very wrong when people associate talent, warmth, attraction and most important of all, acceptance with physical appearance.

Looks are the first thing that most of us notice in a person. Yes, we gravitate to hot guys, pretty girls, cute kids. But, that usually starts to fade when we look at the internal aspects; intelligence, manner, dependability, etc. A guy/girl loses his/her beauty once he/she becomes pretty much a dumbass. Kids are no longer cute when they act all mighty and bratty.

A lot of us fail to notice that we judge and emphasize too much on the looks. Unknowingly act and speak all nicely to those blessed with good looks yet become oblivious to the existence of those who are lacking in the beauty department. So we give a standing ovation when that pretty girl picks up the thrash but we look at the other place when the not-so-pretty is saving a life. Now I can already hear voices contesting me. I might exaggerate a bit there but seriously, a lot of us are guilty as charged.

 Remember what we've said bout geeks and nerds, despite knowing so little bout them? Remember how we've acted nonchalant to the existence of those with mediocre looks? Remember how we've waited for Betty to undergo a makeover and be smoking hot? Much to our dismay, she never does. Not a single physical makeover. And why is Betty not going thru a physical makeover frustrating us so much?


I'd be a big fat liar if dont admit that I wish to marry someone who is freaking hot. How can I not want him to be freaking hot. He has to be. And it's his exceptional personality, together with wisdom, leadership, wit, etc. that make him f.r.e.a.k.i.n.g.h.o.t.

And I hope I always stick with this. I too, might get infected with this cancerous norm that is eating the society slowly, silently.

Think I Look Down on My People?

Not that I despise them so much. Not that I think whatever comes from my people is a huge tank full of craps. That's unfair for people to see me in that light. Cuz I do appreciate local acts. The brilliant, honest, eccentric ones. And how many works can be put under those umbrellas?

Take it this way.
You play Command & Conquer, you're pretty much geared up for level 10 and suddenly the game sets you to go back to level 2. Or, a bunch of students copy paste materials from the net and insist the writing is theirs despite being shown the internet version of "their" assignment on their face. Or, even more pathetic, a bunch of students fight for "their" work but go dead silent when asked to explain an excerpt of it. Ok, too much student talk. Anyway, these things would've made anyone feel pissy. Gives you the who-do-you-take-me-for moment.

So, I don't go yacking about how I watch local dramas, listen to local songs. Doesnt mean I betray local acts. 
And those overly famed works. I watch, doesn't mean I enjoy. It's for the fun of it. Thst kind of fun.


*  Please..Do watch the more humble stuffs. They teach us a thing or two that mainstream productions are too proud to bring up

 

So this happens again

"and I want you to know you're doing this to yourself"


She's bleeding.
She creates the wounds. But no one can tell her that. She has to see it herself, when she comes to her senses. There's just too much negativity that blindfolds her.

I want to tell her but I might become an enemy. So I only write. And I feel heavy